Perused through the old entries. There are some moments of regret, some moments of embarrassment, but most of all, moments to teach my children from. Lol....life is interesting. Things don't always turn out how you want them to, or how it should. But you learn from the best of them. I've had many bad days, but the good ones will always out weigh them. *sigh* Life is a beauty to behold. God is Love.
OKay, so I haven't really written a complete blog in a long time, so I think it's about time for one.
I've realized somethings about myself that I hadn't noticed before-- well, really, I noticed them, but I hadn't addressed them for fear that I wouldn't be strong enough.
I've always been a very vulnerable, easily-taken-advantage-of kind of person. I look to people for my validation, and it's taken it's toll upon my life...upon who I am.
For the past month God has been brewing something in the Spirit, and I knew that something was going to change. When I had lunch with Kevin's mom, she explained to me what it was: I would be moving away from my connections with Hannah, Hannah, and Shalom, because God was bringing me to a higher place in Him. He was going to set time aside for me, and I must do the same for Him. Well, two and a half weeks ago, God started doing that. I knew that God wanted me to stand on my own, however, it came at the most inopportune time for one of my closest friends. In God wanting me to stand on my own, He showed me how I was allowing people to control me, how I was being run over by my friends, and how my friends were. This realization I didn't know how to handle. I was hurt; I have been being taken advantage of, knowingly or unknowingly, by my "best" friends, and I ended up distancing myself from my normal group of friends.
I was mostly just afraid of what it meant for my life, because I had put so much stock into who I was as a person, even as a Christian, into them. What do I do? I kept thinking. In that, I have turned to Daynah and Gina for support, because they are both women that I look up to. They are considerably older than me, and I know that they have had certain life experiences that I haven't had, and they have been through similar things before. They have encouraged me so much.
Anyway, I eventually talked it out with my friend, and even though we're dealing with our own separate issues, I'm trying to be there for her during her dark times.
I'm still not sure about everyone that I've been friends with. I know that I need to continue putting everything and everyone into the right perspective. I now understand that everyone isn't going to be a part of my life like I want them, or even they want to be. I know that I'm not going to be close to everyone--and that's okay. Some people you just have to love from afar--being there for them when they're down, but also not allowing yourself to be put into the same positions again.
Saying that, Kevin is another issue I had been dealing with that I'm honestly okay with now. He's no longer my validation either, and I believe that I'm just about done with the emotions. I still love him, but it's not a desperation like before. He's not my sustenance--and I'm okay with that. We have started to play music together again, and the musical chemistry.... BANGIN'!!! However!! I'm not stuck on him anymore. Matter of fact, I wouldn't mind marrying someone else. I'm still young, and I'm growing and changing. I'm coming into my own, and some things I just won't tolerate anymore. That's the end of that. I wish him all the best, but I'm not holding onto anything. Kevin has made his choice, and soon, he won't be able to turn back on it. And I'm okay with that.
School, on the other hand, is rough. I'm failing College Algebra....I didn't prioritize like I should have. And now...I'm a lil' bit afraid for my scholarship. I trust in God, but I also know that He sometimes makes us deal with the consequences of our actions. So I'm praying that I get it together in time for tomorrow and next week.
God and I...we've been pretty tight lately. I'm just taking one day at a time.
Blocking out
the sound of your voice
I find comfort in knowing
who I am is no longer
who you are
Taken by surprise,
I steal a silent moment
with you,
hoping for more than the normal asphyxiation,
praying for less than what
is desired.
I find peace in
knowing you've gone astray,
for my bitterness is now
accepted--
my judgement is now rewarded.
Loneliness has become my lover,
lsilence my passion.
Dead flowers hang from my window,
telling my life story in a nut shell.
This suffocating blanket,
wrapped around me so tightly,
is supposedly my comfort--
yet I find no solace in it.
The white flag outside my window pane
dares to grant me peace,
but I know up close
it's speckled with the mud
Adam was made of years ago.
A box of chocolates
is supposed to be life.
But I see white roses,
dipped in red blood.
The place where we all died
has been deserted--
I stand alone;
trying to call deep unto deep,
to no avail.
"The truth is too real to flaunt it with pride,"
she says.
"My voice no longer
carried out to where you are.
My words are but a feather weight to you.
Seeing what no one else saw was always a specialty of yours.
But scales cover your eyes now, too."
Written: 7/23/06
Ivy Williams
Goals:
Blocking out
the sound of your voice
I find comfort in knowing
who I am is no longer
who you are
Taken by surprise,
I steal a silent moment
with you,
hoping for more than the normal asphyxiation,
praying for less than what
is desired.
I find peace in
knowing you've gone astray,
for my bitterness is now
accepted--
my judgement is now rewarded.
Loneliness has become my lover,
lsilence my passion.
Dead flowers hang from my window,
telling my life story in a nut shell.
This suffocating blanket,
wrapped around me so tightly,
is supposedly my comfort--
yet I find no solace in it.
The white flag outside my window pane
dares to grant me peace,
but I know up close
it's speckled with the mud
Adam was made of years ago.
A box of chocolates
is supposed to be life.
But I see white roses,
dipped in red blood.
The place where we all died
has been deserted--
I stand alone;
trying to call deep unto deep,
to no avail.
"The truth is too real to flaunt it with pride,"
she says.
"My voice no longer
carried out to where you are.
My words are but a feather weight to you.
Seeing what no one else saw was always a specialty of yours.
But scales cover your eyes now, too."
Written: 7/23/06
Ivy Williams
